* Tests

“Whoever survives a test, whatever it may be, must tell the story. That is his duty.” -Elie Wiesel

I always loved school and was a pretty good student. I liked taking tests because it made me accountable for my learning and it also gave me a way to be successful at something. Sports and social skills were definitely NOT where I excelled so making good grades gave me something to be proud about. It helped me survive middle and high school.

Every test is different. Even when you are prepared, there are things you encounter that don’t make sense. It seems like the older you get, the more tests you are required to face and there are so many of them you are not prepared to face. Things like cancer, death, health issues, betrayal to name a few. Each requires you to rely on the things you’ve learned in your life in hopes that you can survive the test. Some tests you pass, some tests you fail. That’s life 101.

But the truth is that when you go through a test and get to the other side, you have survived it. Everything might not have been pretty or done correctly, but you survived it. Other people taking that same test need to know that it can be done. Tell them how you both passed and failed. They need to hear that life goes on and there’s usually a second chance to take that test again. Study, listen and be ready.

Blessings, Cindy J

* 2025 – It’s Been a Long Year

After the loss of his son, Christian music artist Toby Mac wrote a song called “Faithfully”. The lyrics have really spoken to me this past year. He opens by singing, “It’s been a long year; it almost took me down.” I’ve been living with loss and grief this past year and I understand all those emotions. At times, I did feel like it was going to take me down. Honestly, I still do sometimes but I’m trying to make sense of why God decided to call our sweet granddaughter home. What I’ve discovered is that God is indeed faithful amidst all the tears and pain. He’s been right there through the whole journey. It hasn’t been easy for so many reasons and I’ve faltered. But He hasn’t; He has been steadfast.

There have been many times over the past 15 years that I have been sidelined with health issues beginning with a diagnosis of breast cancer in 2009. None of them have been easy either but again, God never left my side. He provided me the strength to endure and put family, friends and caregivers in my life who supported and encouraged me. None of those things though were as hard as the loss of a grandchild but with each obstacle, He’s also provided an opportunity to serve others.

My husband and I have walked this road hand in hand. God has sustained us so that we can uphold each other. It’s a grief that’s left a permanent ache in my heart. Again, it’s been a long year. Here’s to moving forward in 2026.

Blessings, Cindy J

* Hanging By a Thread

I’ve seen the poster many times of the little kitten who’s holding onto a rope for dear life. There is usually a knot at the end of the rope and a caption that reads… ”When you get to the end of your rope, hang on.”

The last two years have been challenging. Between health and family issues, I don’t even feel like I have a rope right now; that I’m simply hanging by a thread that is unraveling minute by minute. Honestly, I just want to let go sometimes. Then I think, well if the thread breaks at least I’ll know it’s over and I don’t have to hang on anymore.

It’s a scary feeling but I’m praying it won’t last. It’s why I do keep hanging on. I know that God is there mending that thread even as I slip farther down the strand. He won’t let me fall but He might let me get to the end of what I think I can do so that He can take over. I have to let go of me and let Him have control.

So, if you feel this way, please don’t let go. God will be there for you or send someone in the nick of time to help you mend the thread. The thread might look a little tattered but it’s a testimony of what you’ve overcome. Please hang on.

*Note – Since I wrote this blog entry, I have spent a weekend with wonderful girlfriends who let me cry and grieve. Then my husband and I went on a trip together. Both were very healing and they’ve kept me hanging onto my rope. Again, please don’t give up. Use your support system and hang on.

Blessings, Cindy J

# Look for the Rainbow

Hurricane season is winding down as we near the end of September.  I’ve weathered many hurricanes and lately it seems I’ve been through many personal storms.  A lot of you have, too. You can do all the prep work the National Weather Service tells you to do but nothing prepares you for the severity of the really big storms. The ones that cause catastrophic damage. Nothing prepares you for the disruptions that the big storms in life cause you either. Somehow, you just have to figure out how to get through them both.

One thing to keep in mind is to always look for the rainbow at the end of a storm. It’s not always there in plain sight; sometimes you have to really search for it. A promise from God in Genesis Chapter 9, Verses 12-16 says that a rainbow will appear to remind us of God’s covenant between us and Him. It’s a promise I cling to in times of trouble.

The next tropical storm may blow our way this week. You might get a phone call about a health event you weren’t prepared for or someone might break your heart. They are all possibilities but don’t forget we have a promise from someone who never breaks a promise. Look for the rainbow.

Blessings, Cindy J

* Back to the Beach

My toes miss digging in the sand. My body misses soaking up the warmth of the sun. My eyes miss seeing the ebb and flow of the ocean as it gently washes up onto the sand. It’s my place to escape, read a book, journal, and talk to God. I need to go back to the beach!

It’s been a while since I’ve been for a lot of reasons but I miss the sense of healing I experience when I’m sitting on a beach; the connection I feel with the beauty that God has to offer in nature. For me, it’s restorative. Do you have a place you can go that helps you to feel whole again? Even if your place is somewhere nearby where you can grab a few minutes of peace, I encourage you to go there when you need to regroup. My alternate place is my front porch swing.

I’ve promised myself that soon I’ll go back to the beach for a respite. Look for me. I’ll be the one in the purple beach chair with a book in her hand watching the waves splash. Come join me and we’ll sit and restore together.

Blessings, Cindy J.

* Scars

Scars hurt. They pull and itch. They’re constant reminders of precious trauma to our body. I’ve written about scar tissue before and all the issues associated with that problem both emotional and physical. As the years have progressed, I find myself with even more scars on my body and my heart that I have collected for various reasons. Most, but not all, are associated with my cancer diagnosis from 2009. 

A few years after cancer, I experienced problems with my eyes from all the steroids I received during chemo resulting in a retinal detachment and problems with my vision. Thanks to a brilliant retina specialist I can still see, but the scars remain. It’s a constant reminder of how very blessed I am for the gift of sight.

Then there are the scars from a difficult abominable surgery due to the after effects of radiation to my thoracic area. The pain was terrible for weeks but I now have a new appreciation for people who have chronic pain. I understand their despair, depression, and desire for just a few minutes without pain.     

I took a bad fall in the summer of 2023. Was it caused by the neuropathy I still experience from the after effects of chemo? I’m not sure but I did fall into the kitchen counter, shatter my shoulder, and had to have it totally replaced. There’s a scar down my left arm as a souvenir of that event!

Finally, the second big health event since cancer…my heart attack. I can’t see them but there are scars in my heart from that attack and the stent that was placed inside to fix the blockage. There’s another heart scar I carry but it’s still too painful to talk about. One day I will share; but not today.

Just to glance at me, you’d think I’m fine and perfectly healthy. But if you look deeper, the scars are there; both visible and invisible.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that sometimes you need to look a little deeper at the people in your life. Spend time with them and get to know their scars before you judge. They may even share some of the same scars you have gathered along your life journey. Then you can hurt and heal together.

* The Weight of Grief

 A lot of people like to sleep under a weighted blanket. These blankets are supposedly designed to provide a more restful sleep by helping to relieve stress and anxiety. Personally, I feel like I am smothering when I’m under a heavy blanket. The weight of it makes me feel trapped and panicky so I don’t find them comforting at all.

Grief to me feels a lot like that weighted blanket. It’s heavy and it smothers me. I want to throw it off and breathe; but I can’t. It’s just sitting there, pressing down, and keeping me from moving. My heart is full of sadness and sometimes it’s just unbearable. I realize I need to find a place for my grief so it doesn’t overwhelm me, but I’m struggling.

Other people who have experienced loss and grief have assured me that time will help to heal my broken heart and I cling to that, but I’m not there yet.  Another older friend told me that the amount of tears I shed for the loved one I lost is just the right amount for me. I’m not done with the tears yet either.

So, in the meantime, I continue to go about each day, pray and try to understand how God can use me in this time of sorrow. I know without a doubt that I am loved and that I am not alone. He’s walking with me in the valley and I just need to look up for the strength only He can provide.

Blessings, Cindy J

* Forever Friends

Having moved several times growing up, I didn’t have childhood friends that I had a history with and stayed in contact with over the years. In the late 70’s when I was a college student, the people I met there became “my people”. Almost 50 years later, they’re still my people; my forever friends. They are the ones I call when I need to be grounded. They’re the ones I call when I feel like my life is falling apart. Well, they’re just the ones I call! They know me, really know me and are always able to get me through whatever is going on in my life. We have shared some good times and have great memories of our “adventures” together.  None of us live in the same city anymore but it doesn’t matter because we take the time to keep in touch. The friendship is that valuable to us all.

I think back on the last 50 years and marvel at how we’ve still remained so close. The reason? It’s a relationship worth nurturing and protecting. Sure, it takes work to stay connected but anything that’s important to you is worth the work. Yes, I do have other friends who are very dear to me and have been there for me; it’s just that I’ve known these three the longest.

One of my friends is a fierce protector. She doesn’t like for anyone or anything to hurt me and she’s the first one to come to my defense. Another one is the nurturer. She’s the one who drives 3 hours to stay with you in the hospital and bring you food when you’re sick. Then there’s the one who always brings me joy and encouragement with her laughter and her music. Each of them has a very special place in my heart and I just don’t know what I’d do without them.  I pray you have forever friends that are there for you through life’s journeys. So ECU girls, this post is for you.

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12

Blessings, Cindy J

* Up From the Ashes

I have talked to people who lost their homes in a fire and one thing they all say is that since they lost everything, they have no choice but to rebuild from the ground up. Of course, they do lose their pictures and special items that can’t be replaced but for the most part everything is new again and life goes on.

Maybe that’s what God tries to do for us when the fires come in our lives. He wants to wipe everything away and have us start new. The memories are still there but only either to help us not make the same mistakes again or to give us a richer, deeper perspective on life.

Rising from the ashes takes strength and courage and it’s best not to do it alone. Trust me, it is powerful when the transformation happens! As we begin this new year, may the Lord help you to leave behind the “fires” that hindered you in 2024 and rise up in 2025.

Blessings, Cindy J

* Opportunity

“Turn your pain into opportunity.” – Elana Koening, Childhood Cancer Survivor

Have you ever looked at the adverse things that happen in your life and seen them as an opportunity? Elana Koening has and continues to do so. She was only 11 years old when she finished her last chemotherapy treatment and started the Koening Childhood Cancer Foundation with money from her piggy bank. Now 16 years old, she continues to raise money through the nonprofit foundation she created. The funds go to help children who are fighting childhood cancer. Elana knows how hard it is to fight cancer as a kid and she wants to help other kids and their families navigate the difficult circumstances they face. She turned her pain into an opportunity to help others.

What pain have you faced this past year? Are you thankful that you’ve survived it thus far?  Are you able to share it with others going through the same thing? British minister and Bible commentator Matthew Henry (1662-1917) said that “Thanksgiving is good but Thanksliving is better.”  That quote resonates with me this year in so many ways. I am indeed thankful for all the things my family and I have been through this year and survived.  A difficult surgery and heart attack for me and the premature birth of a precious granddaughter. We are blessed that God has answered so many prayers on our behalf. It’s a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving season.

But how am I Thanksliving and using the gift of time I have been given? I take every opportunity that comes my way to tell others, especially women, not to ignore the little things in life when it comes to their health. I also encourage people to accept the gift of each new day and enjoy it with family and friends. Turning pain into an opportunity to help someone else is the best healing of all.

Blessings, Cindy J