Today I am sharing part of a journal entry I wrote on August 31, 2010. I hope you will find it encouraging when you read how I was back then and just how far I have come now. Don’t be afraid to share your fears and your pain. Someone else may need to know just how far you’ve come.
Cancer is a word I do not love. It is a terrible word. An ugly, disgusting word. A horrible, life changing word. Cancer has changed me in so many ways. The most obvious is my appearance. My hair is really short and gray. I do not like short hair on me and gray hair makes me look very old. I am only 53. The right side of my body has been disfigured permanently by the mastectomy. Reconstruction is in progress but I will never look the same. I have gained weight because of my cancer treatments. Twenty-five pounds to be exact. It is a struggle and burden I do not need. I do not like what cancer has done to my body.
Cancer has made me tired. It has robbed me of hours when I could have been doing other things but I couldn’t because I needed to nap or rest. I must listen very closely to my body now. Cancer has changed my mind. It has brought fear. I am afraid this disease will grow in my body again and cause me more pain. It is a frightening word.
Cancer has changed my faith. I trust and depend more on God than ever before. It has made me more focused in my life and given me the desire to serve God in HIS way. I cherish my family and friends more than ever and understand that I must love even the most difficult of family members.
Cancer has made me cherish time and special moments. It is a word I hate but it has taught me so very much about love and life.
Obviously, I was in a very dark place when I wrote this but I found as I poured out my heart on the pages of my journal, I began to feel a little better. Just getting it all out there helped me to see how I was coping. I have gray hair now, but it’s by choice and I’m learning not to be afraid. Writing continues to be my outlet as I share these pages with you from time to time. Yep, I’ve come a long way!
Blessings, Cindy J