Today I am sharing part of a journal entry I wrote on August 31, 2010. I hope you will find it encouraging when you read how I was back then and just how far I have come now. Don’t be afraid to share your fears and your pain. Someone else may need to know just how far you’ve come.

Cancer is a word I do not love. It is a terrible word. An ugly, disgusting word. A horrible, life changing word. Cancer has changed me in so many ways. The most obvious is my appearance. My hair is really short and gray. I do not like short hair on me and gray hair makes me look very old. I am only 53. The right side of my body has been disfigured permanently by the mastectomy. Reconstruction is in progress but I will never look the same. I have gained weight because of my cancer treatments. Twenty-five pounds to be exact. It is a struggle and burden I do not need. I do not like what cancer has done to my body.

Cancer has made me tired. It has robbed me of hours when I could have been doing other things but I couldn’t because I needed to nap or rest. I must listen very closely to my body now.  Cancer has changed my mind. It has brought fear. I am afraid this disease will grow in my body again and cause me more pain. It is a frightening word.

Cancer has changed my faith. I trust and depend more on God than ever before. It has made me more focused in my life and given me the desire to serve God in HIS way. I cherish my family and friends more than ever and understand that I must love even the most difficult of family members.

Cancer has made me cherish time and special moments. It is a word I hate but it has taught me so very much about love and life.

Obviously, I was in a very dark place when I wrote this but I found as I poured out my heart on the pages of my journal, I began to feel a little better. Just getting it all out there helped me to see how I was coping. I have gray hair now, but it’s by choice and I’m learning not to be afraid. Writing continues to be my outlet as I share these pages with you from time to time. Yep, I’ve come a long way!

Blessings, Cindy J

“Give up the illusion that you deserve a problem-free life.”

From: Jesus Calling Devotional by Sarah Young

Isn’t that what we all think we want, a problem-free life? When I read this quote by Sarah Young, it really made me stop and think. Problems are a part of life but they sure can be burdensome. The more I think about it though, I realize that some of the best lessons I’ve learned have been because of problems I have encountered. As a child you quickly learn that if you ride your bike too fast and slam on brakes, you’ll crash. I still have the gravel in my knee that proves that lesson was learned!

As adults, it’s not always quite that simple. I actually started this blog post before the Corona Virus hit but boy is it timely. Every single one of us is being affected and having problems because of this pandemic. It has affected how we eat, travel, worship and work just to name a few changes. For those with school age children, it has affected how they are being educated. And according to those who are in charge, this is not a problem that is going away anytime soon!

So, what will we do and what lessons will we learn? First and foremost, we’re all in this together so we need to work together. Share with each other.  Help out a school age Mom by giving her a break. Bring groceries and supplies to an older neighbor who can’t get out. Don’t purchase everything in stock from the grocery store or hoard important supplies. Support your local restaurants by ordering take out dinners. These are just a few suggestions but if you have other ideas to share, please leave them in the comments section of this blog.

Most important of all, remember that God is in control and that He will see us through not just this crisis but any problem we face. I’m living proof of that. I know it’s overwhelming, but be at peace friends.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Blessings, Cindy J

One of my favorite Dr. Seuss titles is actually not one of his most famous books. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Dr. Seuss and all that he did for children’s literature. He understood how to write so that children could both enjoy and understand his words. I think that’s why I love My Many Colored Days so much. In this story, a child experiences many moods and each mood is described by a different color.

One of the most interesting things to me is that Dr. Seuss describes the Purple Day as one of being sad and walking alone. I find it ironic that purple is also the universal color to signify cancer. Like I said, there’s a lot of truth and understanding in children’s books.

The color I most related to during my cancer journey was gray. On a Gray Day, “Everything is gray. I watch. But nothing moves today.” Sometimes I felt like I was in another world just watching everything and everyone go by; not exactly sure where I fit in. It was almost like I was outside myself, seeing life go by but not feeling like I could participate at the moment. Sometimes, I still have those gray days when I let the reality of being a cancer survivor get into my head.

The true beauty of this story is that every day can be a different day and that whatever that day may bring as far as feelings go, it’s okay. I can be excited, energetic, quiet, angry, depressed or calm and again, that’s okay. What matters most is that I will eventually go back to just being ME, the unique individual I am; a thriver!

Blessings, Cindy J

I have a 75-pound golden retriever named Maggie. She was my “empty nest” dog when my youngest son left for college. The day my husband, sons and I went to pick out our puppy, I stepped out of the truck and this one little fur ball came running towards me. All of the rest of her litter mates were too busy playing but she made the effort to seek me out and greet me. It was like she was saying, “Pick me!” And I did. From that day to this, my Maggie girl has never let me down. She loves me with 100% devotion; never judging or complaining.

Maggie has always been able to sense my needs. As my chemotherapy treatments progressed, the bone pain in my legs became quite unbearable at times. One day when I was lying on the couch crying, she crawled up on the couch beside me and laid directly on my aching legs. The heat from her body gave me some much needed relief. She patiently stayed there until my pain subsided. It brought me great comfort both physically and mentally to have her there.

She’s 13 years old now and her hip joints and legs are failing. I cry out when she falls, also feeling her pain. I go to her and sit with her while she composes herself enough to try again. She looks up at me with those soulful brown eyes and no words are needed.  I assure her that we’re in this together and that I won’t leave her. She was there for me and I will be here for her.

If I had to describe Maggie in just a few words I would say she is a true and faithful friend. She loves with her all. I wish for you to have someone that “loves like Maggie”.

Blessings, Cindy J

I recently heard this quote, “People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable”. Pretty much everything in life has two points of view and let’s face it, most of us generally miss the point all together because we are worried about making sure we get the right answer. Does it really matter how full the glass is or like the quote says, is it much more important that you have control over the contents of the glass?

I have to confess that for so many years I was THAT person. I wanted to be the person with the right answer and I wanted to make sure you knew I was right. But I must admit that every year that goes by since surviving cancer, it becomes less and less important for me to be right. Now I try more to keep the peace and listen to other people’s viewpoints. I don’t always agree with them but sometimes it’s just important that they be heard. Things in society change when people are heard. Yes, sometimes for the worse but more often than not for the better. People just want you to understand what’s in their “glass”.

How do you view your glass? This world provides us with enough negative experiences to think our glass is half empty. But then again, the good news is that this same world comes complete with people and adventures that fill our glass. The best part is that you have control over your glass; not anyone else’s, only yours. If you don’t like what’s in your glass, just dump it out and start over. You see, it’s refillable.

Blessings, Cindy J

I love lighthouses and have explored all the ones in North Carolina where I live. I’ve also visited ones in Virginia, South Carolina and Georgia. Yep, I love lighthouses! One reason is that lighthouses are located at the beach and if you have been reading my blog for a while you know that the beach is my happy place. Another reason is that I have a lot of respect for the fact that they’ve been there for so many years weathering storms yet still standing strong. Rain, fog, nor’easter, even hurricanes, they stand tall with their light shining. Lighthouses were built long before navigation systems and GPS existed. Their light was both a warning and a guide to sailors as they navigated from point to point along the coast. Lighthouse keepers were diligent about keeping that light shining because they knew mariners depended on them for their safety.

Like the lighthouse, I believe that each of us has a light within us that needs to shine for others to see. My yoga instructor Stephanie always ends each class by saying, “The light within me, honors and respects the light within you.” I love that she reminds us each week of the importance of our inner light. We all have times in our lives when we don’t feel as if our light is shining very bright. It’s during those times that I think you receive guidance and strength from the light of others. In fact, your light might be the very beacon of hope that someone else needs to get through a tough thing like cancer, grief or an overwhelming life circumstance.

So, no matter what your day may bring, opportunity, joy or challenge, always remember to “let your light shine”. Someone may be depending on you for that light. 

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its’ stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.     Matthew 5: 14-16 NIV

Blessings, Cindy J

This year my plans for Christmas didn’t come together quite like I imagined. Life is just like that sometimes. I also didn’t think in 2009 that I would be here for my 10th holiday season post cancer. I’m sure glad I am though! Here’s wishing you a Merry Christmas  and a Happy New Year. May 2020 bring you peace, good health and happiness.

Vowels are important in the English language. Every word contains at least one vowel. A vowel can even be a word on its’ own. At times this cancer walk can feel like a travel through the vowels. There’s the initial “O” of shock when you are diagnosed but of particular note are the vowels “I” and “U”. At first, everything is about me; the “I”. If you’re not careful the focus shifts so much to the “I” or me that you forget the importance of letting others share this walk with you. I think the whole thought of what lies ahead is just so overwhelming you can’t help but focus on yourself! Maybe the “I” is not so much about pride as it is self-preservation.

Speaking from experience I can tell you that the shift needs to happen to the “U” if you want to get through this thing in one piece. Allowing others to help can be very humbling, especially for someone who is independent like me. Oops; there goes that “I” again. There are just some days when mentally and physically you cannot go it alone. As hard as it may be for you, I promise the support will be worth it. Not only are you blessed with much needed help but the person helping you is equally blessed. See I told you that “U” was a whole lot better.

In this season of Thanksgiving, allow others to bless you in your time of need. Thanks to all those who continue to bless me each day. Happy Thanksgiving!

Blessings, Cindy J