Pain just seems to be an ongoing part of the cancer experience. I’m not one to use this blog to complain but sometimes I just want to say, “pain, pain go away”. Unlike the children’s poem about rain, I do not want it to come back another day. Ever. We all have little every day aches and pains as we age but some of my pains are a direct result of cancer treatments. I know that the Beatles said to “let it be” and that Elsa said to “let it go” but honestly sometimes it’s just plain hard to ignore or forget. So, what do I do?

I’m not sure there’s an answer to that question but I try to find someone who is dealing with a lot more pain than I am, then try to be thankful that even though I hurt someone else is hurting a lot worse than me. My feet give me a lot of problems due to lingering neuropathy from chemotherapy. I have to step carefully and make sure I always wear good shoes. Painful problem, right? This summer I saw a lady sitting on the beach in the surf. When she stood up, I also noticed that she had two prosthetic legs. Not only did she get herself up out of the surf on those legs but she ran through the sand up to her beach cottage. My neuropathy didn’t seem so bad after all.

Yes, the pain is here to stay and I have to deal with it but by the grace of God I am still here! I’m alive and able to enjoy my family and friends. So, to go back to the poem about rain…I think today I’ll just go out and play anyway regardless of the rain or the pain.

Blessings, Cindy J

One of the pitfalls of chemotherapy is losing your hair. Even though you know it’s coming and you think you’ve prepared for the inevitable, it is devastating when it finally does happen. Oh sure, there’s some really cute wigs and hats you can wear but there’s something about losing your hair that feels kind of hopeless. I always thought I looked sick when my hair was gone. It also caused others to give me that, “oh you poor thing” look. How in the world can anyone have hope when their hair is falling out by the handful?

My moment of hope came when one of my students so bluntly reminded me that she “really didn’t care about my hair.” The weather was warming up and my wig was getting very hot and itchy. We were to be in a small group testing situation and I asked if it would bother her if I didn’t wear my wig. Like I said, she let me know in her own special way that this situation was not about me. She was the one who had to take the test and my hair really didn’t matter! I began to realize that no one else was as worried about my hair as I seemed to be.

I have to admit though, when that first peach fuzz covering of hair appeared on my head I was overjoyed. It took a long time after finishing chemo for this to happen but it gave me hope that if my hair could return, then maybe I was going to be okay as well. So if you or someone you know feels hopeless about their situation with cancer right now, just hang on. Somewhere in all this darkness there will be hope; even if it is something as simple as hair.

Blessings, Cindy J

I live in a military community that is home to the largest Coast Guard base in the United States. From time to time, the Black Hawk helicopters use their airport and facility for training. When I turn down the road beside the Coast Guard base and see those Black Hawks parked along the outer runway, I feel safe. It’s just something about knowing they are in the vicinity that gives me a little extra reassurance. I know if a situation arises, they’ve got us covered.

That’s kind of how I feel about all the health care providers who have taken such good care of me over the past few years. My oncologist Dr. Tan and my surgeon Dr. Ruiz along with their excellent staff, continue to monitor me every year just to make sure I’m doing okay. It provides me with the reassurance that should my cancer resurface, they will still be in my corner making certain I receive the best care possible. For that I am eternally grateful. I guess you could call them my medical Black Hawks!

Let us never take for granted those in the armed forces who fight for and protect our country. May we also be thankful for those health care providers who sometimes put their own families on hold for those who are sick and need them. Both sacrifice their time to keep us safe and well. Today I just want to say thank you.

Blessings, Cindy J

Ever since I was a little girl, every Sunday morning finds me at church going to Sunday School. I have attended different churches in different cities over the years but I always feel most at home when I am in Sunday School. I’ve been fortunate to meet some really great people at church who have inspired me to be a better person. I call them “Sunday School Saints” and I’d like to tell you about a few of them.

My earliest memories are of Mrs. Woody in a rural church in Virginia. She led the singing and opening assembly before Sunday School started. If it was your birthday week, you were presented with a wash cloth puppet she had made. A gift that was both practical and fun! The thing I remember most is that she always made everyone feel special. It didn’t matter who you were, who your parents were or where you came from, everyone was treated as an equal.

Another saint was Ms. Vonceil, our former pastor’s wife. When she sat down to play the piano it was like heaven on Earth. She just had a way of connecting with the music that made you feel what was in her heart. Ms. Vonceil was one of the most genuine, gracious people I have ever known.

One of my favorite saints was Mrs. Payne. She was a retired P.E. teacher and tennis coach who also taught Sunday School, including my two boys. Whenever one of her class members accepted Jesus, she rejoiced and wrote their name on the wall outside her classroom. She had a purpose and she loved to share that purpose with everyone.

Each of these ladies taught me an important lesson in life. I’m not sure about Mrs. Woody, but we lost Ms. Vonceil and Mrs. Payne to cancer. Both of these women were faithful to the end and rejoiced in sharing how Jesus had touched them during their cancer battle. They never complained and they set an example for me of how to deal with adversity. I only hope that my sharing about my struggles helps someone else the same way they helped me.

Blessings, Cindy J

Ten years ago today, I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer. I still vividly remember my doctor walking into the examining room, looking at me with concern and saying, “You have cancer and it’s not good”. Some memories never fade; just like the ones of the twin towers falling in New York. You see it.  You hear it.  You know it just happened but somehow it doesn’t seem real. I won’t lie; it has not been easy dealing with this disease. I try to be positive but there are still days when it is tough. So much has changed in my life and the life of our country since those fateful 9-11’s. I’m more cautious about my health but also more grateful for each new day. Our country has learned to be more vigilant and to realize we are not immune to attack from the outside.

Each of us has faced some type of challenge in our life. As Robin Roberts said, “Everybody’s got something”. Whatever your something is, my prayer today is that you can learn from that something and make a positive change in your life. Better yet, use it to make a positive change in someone else’s life as well.

Blessings, Cindy J

My husband and I enjoy spending time out on the water in our kayaks. We like to paddle in creeks and small rivers where the water is smooth. There have been times however when we needed to maneuver through a larger body of water to get to our favorite spot. Sometimes these waters can be rough and I have to paddle a little harder but I know that eventually it will be worth it. The reward at the end is a quiet, calm place to spend time on our adventure. It makes me realize that at times I have to encounter some “rough waters” in my life to better appreciate the peaceful safety of each ordinary day. Even in the smooth waters there are floating logs and limbs that cause an occasional bump or snag.

Facing a life-threatening illness is like navigating through choppy, at times dangerous waters. I feel like I spent two years of my life in those waters and even after all the treatments and surgeries were over, there were still times when my life boat experienced a little turbulence. These rocky times have taught me though that I just need to hang on, paddle a little harder and ride the waves. Most of all I need to stay focused on the task at hand, getting to the calmer waters. The life application here is that when you encounter rough waters and the occasional bump, just keep on paddling.

Blessings, Cindy J

So many times throughout the course of my cancer treatments I would ask questions about when I could do the things I did before I was sick. Often the answer was, you’ll have to find a new normal. I’ve written about this before and stated that I didn’t want to find a new normal. I wanted my old life back. But what if we looked at it in a different way and stopped to think that maybe normal is just what we know. Perhaps then change would be easier.

I have always had a fear of making people upset and usually do whatever I can to avoid confrontation. I tell myself that if I’ll just stay quiet and do what they want me to do, that everything will be okay. Guess what? In the long run, it really doesn’t work and I end up becoming even more anxious. In this case, my normal behavior isn’t necessarily a good thing. Instead, I need to share my feelings with people. Cancer can teach you a lot of things and the lesson for me here is that sometimes we do need to find a new normal; maybe even a better normal.

Post cancer, what does my normal look like? I cherish time with my family more than ever. I don’t let little things bother me as much. I understand the importance of taking time for myself and the healing power of rest. I’ve learned that going to the beach for the day is not frivolous, it’s what I now call “ocean therapy”. Most of all I have learned that life is going to change whether we want it to or not.

So, what exactly is normal?  I’ve found that it’s different for everyone but it seems the happiest people understand that normal changes every day. I encourage you from time to time to embrace a new normal.

Blessings, Cindy J

I will exalt you, O Lord, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me. O Lord, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit. Psalm 30:1-3 NIV

King David wrote this Psalm after he had been plagued by an illness as a way to thank God for his deliverance. I know how he must have felt for I too have been in the pit and it’s a scary place to be. I remember one particular day when I was near the end of my chemotherapy treatments and my bones just ached so bad all I could do was lay on the couch and cry. I called on God many times that day and here I am nine years later still living, still breathing and still able to remember the pain. I think sometimes God allows us to go down into that pit so that we have to rely on Him and learn to trust Him more.

If you’ve experienced being in “the pit” for whatever reason; sickness, family issues, career struggles, etc. just remember that God is there to heal all of those circumstances. The problem with most of us is that we don’t always pay attention to how the healing occurs. Many times, we have to experience that pit to get to our point of healing. I have also learned that all healing does not always take place on this Earth. Sometimes God chooses to heal people by taking them to heaven.  Either way, God is there with you and He will lift you up from the depths. Of that, I am certain.

Blessings, Cindy J

It’s hard to believe a little over a year has passed since I wrote and posted my first blog entry. I guess you could say it’s my first anniversary as a blogger! I’ve had lots of anniversaries in my life…wedding – 37 years in August, motherhood – 35 years, retirement – 2 years, cancer survivor/thriver – 9 years and the list could go on and on. Anniversaries are important because they mark significant milestones in our lives. Each one of them is a cause for celebration.

Writing this blog has been a great healer for me in many ways. I hope that it has helped you in some way as well or at least made you stop and think about the people and events in your life that need to be celebrated. As for me, I praise God for each day that He has given me. So as I share my first anniversary of pouring out my heart to you in this blog, I pray you find your special thing to celebrate today.

Blessings, Cindy J

 

I’m a summer girl. Maybe it’s because I was born in July but all I know is when May rolls around, I start anticipating the months of June, July and August with great enthusiasm. Summertime means warm weather, longer days, lots of sunlight and trips to the beach. And yes, even though I know I need to protect myself from the harmful rays of the sun, I love it when my skin starts to turn a golden hue after spending time outside. I like to say that I have been “kissed by the sun”.

All of us could use a little sunlight in our life. It just seems people look healthier when they’ve spent time outside and their skin has that summer glow to it. Spending time outside can also increase our Vitamin D levels to some degree. Of course, that’s along with making sure we eat a healthy, balanced diet!

My point is, if you’re sick then try to get outside for a while if you are physically able and experience the healing power of the sun. It’s both a mental and physical healing. Close your eyes, turn your face toward the sky and let your body be kissed by the sun. I promise it will make you smile.

Blessings, Cindy J