I had heard stories about Scott and what a great guy he was long before I ever met him. It wasn’t until both of us had been diagnosed with cancer that we actually met face to face.

Scott taught me how to live with dignity while enduring this disease and to get the most out of every minute life has to offer. He used to say, “either way I win.” If God allows me to stay here on Earth, then I get to spend more time with my family. If I don’t, then I get to be in heaven. Like he said, it was indeed a Win-Win situation.

After a long, hard fight, Scott died on Father’s Day 2010. He promised his family that somehow, he would let them know that he was okay and in a better place. Right after he died, a beautiful rainbow appeared in the sky and they all knew it was Scott saying, “I’m here in heaven and I’m at peace.” His family and friends continue to receive what Scott used to call “God winks” in the form of rainbows. It brings them comfort to know that he did indeed win.

I’d like to leave you with the prayer Scott shared with me as a help in dealing with my cancer diagnosis…

“Father, you’re the giver of days. Grant in mercy an extension for me. Again I ask – Lord may it be? I know your power. Stop this cancer, if you with your purpose for my life will to make that your pleasure. Amen.”

Rainbows are full of promises and each time I see one, I think of Scott and the prayer he had for me. I want to make Scott proud and pray that he sees I am faithfully trying to fulfill the purpose God has for my life. I promise.

Blessings, Cindy J

“Hate is a strong word. It’s the right word but still.”- from the movie Boss Baby. I agree that hate is a very strong word but I’m not sure I agree it is the right word. Yet there are things that I hate. I hate cancer. I mean I really, really hate cancer. However, it is definitely a word you should use with caution.

Hate is a heavy word. It weighs down your heart and soul. If you’re not careful, it can take over your emotions and cause bitterness. Hate is not meant to be carried around long term. Eventually the burden of hate becomes so heavy it affects not only your health but your relationships as well.

The best thing to do with hate is acknowledge its presence, then find a way to let it go. When hate is directed at a person, forgiveness can be healing. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget or that what the person did to you is okay but it does free YOU to move forward. If hate is directed at circumstances like cancer or death, then acceptance of the fact that this has happened allows you to find a way through the turmoil. Either way, hate has to be replaced with a more positive emotion in order for you to survive.

What will you do with the weight of hate? Will you carry it around until it becomes too heavy for you to bare or will you replace it with another strong word like love, forgiveness or acceptance? You are the only person that can make that choice so choose wisely my friend.

Blessings, Cindy J

I used to be in charge of the world; at least that’s the way I acted sometimes. But when I was diagnosed with cancer, I decided that I needed to quit.  I gave up the job and what a relief it has been. Cancer helped me to understand that I could just let God be in control. He’s a lot better at it than I ever was so why did it take me so long to realize that fact? Yet, I really do already know the answer; it is about trust.

If I’m in charge, then I know things will be done the right way, which of course is my way. I don’t have to worry about people letting me down. If I don’t let them do something then they won’t back out on me at the last minute or fail to take care of the details I think are needed to complete a task. What I have learned is that everything really will get done and as my oldest son once told me, “my right way is not always the best right way”. He figures things out a lot quicker than his Mom.

I also finally realized that this is not realistic. No one can bear the burden of being in charge all the time. It is unsustainable and frankly exhausting. When I was sick, other people took care of things for me at work, they helped me out at home, brought dinner to my husband and me; all in an effort to help me rest and heal. Once I was better, I did not want to take on that burden all by myself again. There truly is strength in numbers!

I’m much happier now that I don’t carry the burden of the world on my shoulders. I can relax and enjoy things a little more. I have to admit that sometimes I want to slip back into old habits but God quickly reminds me that it is not my responsibility. He just wants me to love His people. So, I urge you today to trust others and give up the burdens that hinder you. Joy is waiting!

Blessings, Cindy J

What does ordinary look like? Well, it depends. Everyone has a different ordinary that is just right for them. For most of us, ordinary is our normal. Ordinary is comforting. Ordinary is good. We get in trouble when we try to compare our ordinary with other people’s ordinary because we each have a different version.

Yes, there is comfort in the ordinary. It’s what we fall back on when things seem too overwhelming. I’m not one to read my daily horoscope or take a lot of stock in the signs of the Zodiac, but my sign is Cancer the Crab. Just like the crab, I crawl back up into my shell and hide when things aren’t ordinary. I like knowing the plan and what is going to happen next. Ordinary helps me stay in control.

Then along comes cancer, sickness and disease. Nothing is ordinary and we must learn to cope another way. We want our ordinary life back and our ordinary way of doing things but that is not to be for the foreseeable future. Everyone tries to tell you the best way to deal with this disease but they are not you. The worst part is the ones who try to give you the most advice are the ones who’ve never been through what you’re going through. They think they can compare their ordinary to yours or make your ordinary less important. They can’t and they shouldn’t.

You CAN listen to those who have been through what you’re going through. They have both knowledge and insight about this journey you are on. Ultimately though, you have to decide what your ordinary will be. Will you go back to your life before or will you develop a new ordinary; maybe even a better one? If your ordinary changes with what you’ve learned, then you’ll be all the wiser for the experiences you’ve endured. Ordinary is for YOU to decide!

Blessings, Cindy J

Agriculture is a huge part of the economy in Eastern North Carolina where I live. Everywhere you go in my county there are fields of soybeans, corn, cabbage, potatoes, cotton and wheat. All this doesn’t just happen by accident. Without the proper equipment, good soil, fertilizer, sun and water, a plant just won’t grow. Then there’s problems like hurricanes, hail storms, deer, geese and other things that can damage even a healthy crop. To put it simply, it takes a lot of work!

There are also things in our lives that we need to cultivate. Thankfulness is one. Every day we need to find something, no matter how insignificant it may seem, to be thankful for. It is an attitude that needs to be nurtured and cultivated for it to grow.

Family relationships take a lot of time to cultivate as do relationships with friends but the dividend is a bountiful crop of people who will stand by you in both good times and bad times.

Lastly, practicing a healthy lifestyle must be cultivated. It takes planning and prioritizing to eat right, exercise and let go of stress. As I get older, I have come to appreciate the benefits of meditation. I choose to do mine early in the morning by reading the scriptures and spending time with God. I have also learned the art of letting go and being quiet by practicing yoga.

Just like those crops that need to be prepared and taken care of on a daily basis, our lives too need the discipline of cultivating to make us stronger. Storms will come, predators may try to sabotage us, crises will occur; it’s not about if, but when they will happen. If we’ve spent the time cultivating the important things, then we can withstand them and produce a harvest of a well lived life.

Blessings, Cindy J

Today I am sharing part of a journal entry I wrote on August 31, 2010. I hope you will find it encouraging when you read how I was back then and just how far I have come now. Don’t be afraid to share your fears and your pain. Someone else may need to know just how far you’ve come.

Cancer is a word I do not love. It is a terrible word. An ugly, disgusting word. A horrible, life changing word. Cancer has changed me in so many ways. The most obvious is my appearance. My hair is really short and gray. I do not like short hair on me and gray hair makes me look very old. I am only 53. The right side of my body has been disfigured permanently by the mastectomy. Reconstruction is in progress but I will never look the same. I have gained weight because of my cancer treatments. Twenty-five pounds to be exact. It is a struggle and burden I do not need. I do not like what cancer has done to my body.

Cancer has made me tired. It has robbed me of hours when I could have been doing other things but I couldn’t because I needed to nap or rest. I must listen very closely to my body now.  Cancer has changed my mind. It has brought fear. I am afraid this disease will grow in my body again and cause me more pain. It is a frightening word.

Cancer has changed my faith. I trust and depend more on God than ever before. It has made me more focused in my life and given me the desire to serve God in HIS way. I cherish my family and friends more than ever and understand that I must love even the most difficult of family members.

Cancer has made me cherish time and special moments. It is a word I hate but it has taught me so very much about love and life.

Obviously, I was in a very dark place when I wrote this but I found as I poured out my heart on the pages of my journal, I began to feel a little better. Just getting it all out there helped me to see how I was coping. I have gray hair now, but it’s by choice and I’m learning not to be afraid. Writing continues to be my outlet as I share these pages with you from time to time. Yep, I’ve come a long way!

Blessings, Cindy J

“Give up the illusion that you deserve a problem-free life.”

From: Jesus Calling Devotional by Sarah Young

Isn’t that what we all think we want, a problem-free life? When I read this quote by Sarah Young, it really made me stop and think. Problems are a part of life but they sure can be burdensome. The more I think about it though, I realize that some of the best lessons I’ve learned have been because of problems I have encountered. As a child you quickly learn that if you ride your bike too fast and slam on brakes, you’ll crash. I still have the gravel in my knee that proves that lesson was learned!

As adults, it’s not always quite that simple. I actually started this blog post before the Corona Virus hit but boy is it timely. Every single one of us is being affected and having problems because of this pandemic. It has affected how we eat, travel, worship and work just to name a few changes. For those with school age children, it has affected how they are being educated. And according to those who are in charge, this is not a problem that is going away anytime soon!

So, what will we do and what lessons will we learn? First and foremost, we’re all in this together so we need to work together. Share with each other.  Help out a school age Mom by giving her a break. Bring groceries and supplies to an older neighbor who can’t get out. Don’t purchase everything in stock from the grocery store or hoard important supplies. Support your local restaurants by ordering take out dinners. These are just a few suggestions but if you have other ideas to share, please leave them in the comments section of this blog.

Most important of all, remember that God is in control and that He will see us through not just this crisis but any problem we face. I’m living proof of that. I know it’s overwhelming, but be at peace friends.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Blessings, Cindy J

One of my favorite Dr. Seuss titles is actually not one of his most famous books. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Dr. Seuss and all that he did for children’s literature. He understood how to write so that children could both enjoy and understand his words. I think that’s why I love My Many Colored Days so much. In this story, a child experiences many moods and each mood is described by a different color.

One of the most interesting things to me is that Dr. Seuss describes the Purple Day as one of being sad and walking alone. I find it ironic that purple is also the universal color to signify cancer. Like I said, there’s a lot of truth and understanding in children’s books.

The color I most related to during my cancer journey was gray. On a Gray Day, “Everything is gray. I watch. But nothing moves today.” Sometimes I felt like I was in another world just watching everything and everyone go by; not exactly sure where I fit in. It was almost like I was outside myself, seeing life go by but not feeling like I could participate at the moment. Sometimes, I still have those gray days when I let the reality of being a cancer survivor get into my head.

The true beauty of this story is that every day can be a different day and that whatever that day may bring as far as feelings go, it’s okay. I can be excited, energetic, quiet, angry, depressed or calm and again, that’s okay. What matters most is that I will eventually go back to just being ME, the unique individual I am; a thriver!

Blessings, Cindy J

I have a 75-pound golden retriever named Maggie. She was my “empty nest” dog when my youngest son left for college. The day my husband, sons and I went to pick out our puppy, I stepped out of the truck and this one little fur ball came running towards me. All of the rest of her litter mates were too busy playing but she made the effort to seek me out and greet me. It was like she was saying, “Pick me!” And I did. From that day to this, my Maggie girl has never let me down. She loves me with 100% devotion; never judging or complaining.

Maggie has always been able to sense my needs. As my chemotherapy treatments progressed, the bone pain in my legs became quite unbearable at times. One day when I was lying on the couch crying, she crawled up on the couch beside me and laid directly on my aching legs. The heat from her body gave me some much needed relief. She patiently stayed there until my pain subsided. It brought me great comfort both physically and mentally to have her there.

She’s 13 years old now and her hip joints and legs are failing. I cry out when she falls, also feeling her pain. I go to her and sit with her while she composes herself enough to try again. She looks up at me with those soulful brown eyes and no words are needed.  I assure her that we’re in this together and that I won’t leave her. She was there for me and I will be here for her.

If I had to describe Maggie in just a few words I would say she is a true and faithful friend. She loves with her all. I wish for you to have someone that “loves like Maggie”.

Blessings, Cindy J